I made the decision to keep the baby. Regardless of the fact he was concieved by rape, I could not punish the child by aborting. I kept it hidden for a while during my senior year since I was the new kid.. It did not last long at all. I had made a few friends who were very understanding. I also had people in my school call me a whore. They did not know the circumstances, but it still ate at me. I never cared about school. Until I found out I was pregnant. My senior year I had almost a 4.0 gpa. Which was amazing considering my previous school’s gpa was about 2.5. I did it for my son, I didn’t want him to have a mom who dropped out like most teenage mom’s. I wanted to be the mom my mom never was to me. I wanted to give him the world. Come graduation, I walk across the stage and I hear my son cry, he’s a month old at this time. I was one proud mother.
Fast forward months, I met someone. He was amazing. We ended up having relations and I got pregnant again. I was 18 with a 7 month old, we didn’t know what to do. Here I was, in a situation again. I by no means had a way to take care of two young ones. We decided on adopting her out. Her father and I split during the pregnancy. But he was there at her birth and to say goodbye as she went with her new family. Hardest day of my life at that point.
During my pregnancy with her, a guy proposed to me, and I said yes. I had known him for a while… We got married 2 weeks after I gave birth to my daughter. He promised me we could get her back, because I was miserable without my daughter.
He was in the military and I took him up on that offer. Michigan has a 6 month law for a mother to reverse an adoption and get your child back. When I went to get her, her adoptive parents told me they hoped I had a child taken away from me so I know what it feels like. I didn’t take that too much to heart. But it surely stuck with me for ever. Even until this day.
Fast forward- I have an almost 2 year old, almost 1 year old… Now I am pregnant with twins!!! Wow. What a total shock. We were happy. The preganncy was kind of a struggle. Towards the end my hips would start to pop out and crack loudly with pain. Pretty much I could barely stand up or get out of bed half the time.
Fast forward to the birth – I was expecting a boy and a girl according to my ultrasound. Surprise. I had both boys. Uh oh.. I didn’t have a name picked out, I brought boy and girl outfits to bring them home in.. I was like damn, what do I do. I randomly picked a name for twin B. Malachi David. It sounded so perfect and it fit him so well. I was in love all over again with my babies. He went home in a pink flower flannel onsie.. ha! Everything was going good at home. I had 4 kids and a beautiful home on a military base…
3 months later we had a fluke snow storm in Virginia, everything got shut down. They are not used to snow. It was January 30th 2010. That day I lost my son, Malachi, to SIDS. I called 911, was on call with her for 13 minutes while preforming CPR on my son, I gave him his last breath..
They pronoucned him dead at the hospital, I held him and kissed him one last time. Immediately after, the army’s CID (criminal investigation division) asked my husband and I to come to their headquarters. We were then interrogated for 7 straight hours, where they made us sign an affadavit stating we were being accused of murder. On February 1st CPS showed up demanding to take my other three kids. We were staying at our friends as our house was on lockdown for 7 days as they investigated everything. I asked why they wanted to take my kids as we did nothing wrong. She said that the state of Virginia and the Army does not believe in SIDS, and that it is standard portocol to remove kids once a child dies. They said they were coming at me for abuse and neglect. I kissed my kids and hugged them so tightly. I did not want to let them go, infact it was very hard to do that without flipping out. They had Military Police escort them just in case of problems.
We went to court, where they bashed us and told us we murdered our son. Said we wouldn’t get our other kids back until the autopsy report came in. Until then we had supervised visits with our children as they were convinced we were bad people. 7 months, yes, 7 months later the autopsy came back as: cause of death – unknown/SIDS. I FUCKING KNEW WE DID NOTHING WRONG.
It didn’t end there. We fought for 2 1/2 years trying to get them back. Did what the court ordered us to do, then on out last court hearing, the judge gave me two choices. Either keep fighting and never see your kids again, or willingly sign your rights away and have contact with them…
I didn’t know what to do, I fought this long and didn’t want to give up. I also didn’t want to lose my kids forever. I was only 20. I didn’t know much at all about laws and my rights. I signed my rights away and that day I lost everything. My life. My children. My purpose. I made sure that a family would take all three kids as I didn’t want them separated. They agreed to those terms. I was never charged with anything. I never should have lost my kids.
Later on I found out that my son’s name translated into: my beloved messenger. That hit me hard as his name was straight from the Bible and I didn’t know. He was my angel, he was his twins guardian, he was truly his brothers angel.
My husband and I separated. I turned to drugs, synthetic ones at that. I lost a lot of weight and was hooked for 6 months. I had then hit the lowest point in my life.
March of 2012 my kids were adopted by a very loving family who could not have kids of their own. For a while I was bitter with them. Jealous. Jealous they they got to raise my kids and I didn’t. Now, I couldn’t be more thankful they adopted my children. My children are shown nothing but love, and faith. They are into things I would have never been able to afford. I am now known as birth mom, and see them every chance they can come up to visit my family.